U.N. Passes "Everyone Hates France" Resolution

Paris, France — The United Nations has declared universal hatred of France, a U.N. official said Saturday. "Pending further instructions ... relations between France and all other nations should be suspended ... in light of the present situation," she added.

The resolution was in response to new research from the Université de la Sorbonne and Human Genome Project that the French are genetically inferior and hereditarily bellicose. In a related study, two French genealogy professors discovered that most of the destructive figures in human history were actually French—from the Curies and Alfred Nobel to Adolf Hitler and Judas Iscariot.

Reactions to the announcement were mixed. "I hate myself for being French," said Marcel Deschamps, captain of the World Cup-winning French national soccer team. "I have yearned since my birth to be of a wholesome race, like the German or American. Or even a respected race, like the British or the Pakistani. But instead I am French. That was terrible before, but now it is simply abhorrent. I have to go to EuroDisney just to feel human!"

John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, was glad of the move, calling it "bloody long-awaited! Those frogs have been blowing mushroom clouds at us since we were English prisoners. It's about time they got what's coming to them!"

"As we say in Arkansas, 'Crusty bread, crusty people,'" quipped President Bill Clinton. "Given this revolutionary data, we are removing France from Favored Nation trading status and adding Algeria."

In the same press conference, Defense Secretary William Cohen admitted that the U.S. plans to invade Quebec and imprison all North American French speakers in concentration camps to be constructed in Nebraska. "It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it," he said. "Indoctrinating these Quebecois with English is our responsibility to the rest of the world."

Both Cohen and Secretary of State Madeleine Albright stressed in television interviews that it is the U.N. Security Council that must stand firm against France's attempts to bribe its trading partners with food, women and wine. "The United Nations has to stand up for what it has obliged we member nations to do," Albright said on NBC's "Meet the Press."

The U.N. Security Council, which until recently included France, is currently in talks to divide the French countryside between Germany, England and Luxembourg. No boundaries have yet been set.